I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
