he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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