mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
