she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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