I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Randomize
