Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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