when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.