your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
