You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
