Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
