Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
