there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I have feelings that need drinking.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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