based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
