Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
its liver damage thursday
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