Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
