I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
