So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
When are your genitals available?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
