someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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