Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
