Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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