Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
