your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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