FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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