Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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