I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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