This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
