I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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