Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
