Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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