if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
