i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
