bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
