i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
