I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
