Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
