Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
