the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
