How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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