So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
