I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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