I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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