The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
