3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
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And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
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"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
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