Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Randomize
