Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
