never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
