exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
