I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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