I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
