My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
How does one acquire holy water?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm always down for nudity.
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