Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize