Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
