So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
