if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
