Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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