ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
