Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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