you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
