and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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