Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
